My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
