My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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