i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
