i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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