You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
