i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
