Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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