Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
