There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
