i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
