take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Randomize
