can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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