you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
