when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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