put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
