chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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