Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
