I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
