I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
