worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
