you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
