She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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