I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
