my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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