I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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