the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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