so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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