Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
