your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
pray to the hookup gods
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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