Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
