Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
