I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
