Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
