if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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