I wanna bring you to show and tell
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
