Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
