I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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