I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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