her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
