You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Two words: blizzard sex
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
