Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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