there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
