I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
