Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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