We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
