I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?