Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
