It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
