God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
