she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
