I heard we made out
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
