did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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