I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I'm really busy with my period
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