You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
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I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize