Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Boobs speak an international language.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize