I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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