Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
