She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
