The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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