tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
