Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
