I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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