i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i drank out of a bidet.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
