How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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